I’m a hard charging woman. I grew up insecure, in a household with a father who was verbally abusive and physically abusive to animals.
We never have a luxury limo life.
My mother suffered from migraines because my dad was so cruel. Hers was a life of quiet, debilitating desperation until she left him some 20 years later.
My heart is all kinds of soft and lumpy with hard knots that beat as criticism of others and myself. I get overwhelmed a lot, and I’m pretty sure no one really has my back. I work a lot and I’m resentful a lot.
I live in a place called, “I don’t know what to do.” It’s a rickety house that shelters cases of fear because my own intellect can’t fathom that I really do know what to do.
For way too many years, I let my life lead me around by the nose, shackled in the weight of my inferiority. It wasn’t safe to be me; it wasn’t safe to not be me.
I was trapped.
My whole family was caught up in doing “the right thing,” living the right way, and not coloring outside of the lines. They were a tight, judgmental bunch, and it was very confusing. I got the idea of love all mixed up.
Fast forward to adulthood…
Everything I did was never good enough. I walked around with a knot in my stomach all the time. The only time I felt any peace was when I was high.
I tried various jobs but never lasted more than three years at any of them. Then I bought a spa. After almost 10 years of non-stop activity and stress, adrenal fatigue finally caught up with me.
The hard charging woman fell…and well, I never recovered. Finally, when the spa was on the verge of bankruptcy, I got a buyer. I was never so glad to leave a place in all my life.
But how did it happen? How could I have gotten myself into such a mess?
I believe the source of my adrenal fatigue started in childhood.
- No real foundation in self-worth
- No belief that I am worthy
- No unconditional love from parents
Put those 3 ingredients in a pot and stir for 25-30 years. Guess what you get?
- An adult who thinks overwhelm is the way life is supposed to be.
- An adult who looks to others to fill them up, to validate them.
- An adult with 5 alarm fear and no understanding of how to deal with it.
When I owned the spa, I lived in fear and overwhelm. Of course, money was always an issue, so my fear rode me hard. I can remember waking up at night in a panic, wondering how I was going to make payroll.
I remember feeling panicky about managing staff. I felt panicky about everything. So much so, I tried to give the control of the spa away to others with disastrous results.
The point is trying to achieve superstardom while roller skating on ice is an excellent way for the body to break down. And mine did.
Thankfully, I was already eating gluten-free and sugar-free. I didn’t drink sodas or fast food. But my thoughts were dirty; so dirty it made me sick.
To begin to recover from adrenal fatigue, I finally got that I had to heal my body and my mind. And that was a tough one for me. Yes, I could do the dietary restrictions, but my thoughts? Woof.